Dev, DM
Due to issues with the game not having nearly as much depth as we’d like it to be and being far too simplistic, we’ve decided to undergo another revamp, because we know you folks absolutely love relearning the game from scratch again. Below is a preview of what’s to come!
Anytime anyone uses incorrect grammar, a Grammar Nazi will be summoned to correct your mistake. Should this get out of hand, the Grammar Fuhrer himself will be forced to amend the situation.
Speaking in the third person, asides from the DM, is prohibited, and any violators will be shot in real life on the spot. We take breaking the fourth wall in virtual reality very seriously, and are our countermeasures are designed to break the fourth wall in reality, so that it never happens again.
The DM is now a living, breathing entity. Killing him causes the quest to automatically end and Kefka to consume everyone as punishment.
If there is no DM for a quest, Kefka will take over.
Kefka has been altered to include all of Culex’s responses, complete with actual physical reactions to the players themselves.
Voice Chat is open to anyone and everyone, including those annoying pre-pubescent “squealers”. Oh by the way, it can’t be turned off. We encourage a friendly environment with no discrimination whatsoever.
In order to form Parties, everyone else in your Party needs to be on your Friend List.
If you are Mutual Friends or more personal relationships with other players, your characters in the game have to reflect that. If you fail to respect this rule, your character will die from heartbrokeness and depression.
We feel the Passive Skill System has been slightly restrictive, so
we’re removing all point costs and the point cap. That said, Passive Skills are fully stackable, and they’re only restricted by the size of your wallet.
Finances are important to welfare.
Next up, Food, Hunger and Thirst are now added to everyone’s profiles as parameters you have to keep track of during quests. This will have to affect your combat abilities and you can starve if you go too long without Food or Water. And no, Water spells can’t be drunk to recover Thirst
Having an Affinity now grants you access to opponents’ abilities, as long as you have the same Affinity. This goes vice versa.
All RESTRICTIONS lines from the game have been removed and replaced with REQUIRED lines. If you don’t have something that’s REQUIRED, then prior to any attack, you will be REQUIRED to fill out a form stating why you’re using an illegal move, followed by persecution from Kefka. Just remember, his ambulance will always be around to help anyone in need at an incredible rate of 88 mph.
Permadeath is now in effect for everybody and all Revival abilities and Items except Faries are removed from the game. Go Hardcore or go Home.
We feel that ZURPG is about a game of Actions-Per-Minute, and we want to stress that. All turns now have a hard-capped time limit of 1 minute, regardless of what reactions there are. Anyone that fails to calculate (both when attacking or defending) in time will automatically be killed by a swarm of hungry Zerglings.
Courage has now been replaced with Dexterity. One does not simply change Dexterity to Courage.
We felt Armor was far too powerful, so we added Plasma Damage to the game. It will always be listed as doing 1 Plasma Damage, but it will instantly kill any target without Energy Shields.
All card-based items can be set face-down on your turn, and then activated later at any time by using the phrase, “YOU ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD!” This is especially true of the ace of spades
Zoras take damage when exposed to tartar sauce. Additionally, if they’re in the sun, they will slowly cook over time, taking damage. Should they die while in sunlight, they’ll become a very tasty and rare fish delicacy.
Any Gerudo or Sheikah exiting their normal hidey-holes will be forced to submit to random security checks.
AbsentThirdEye and all of his characters are now renamed to Unpronounceable Name.
When startled, Moblins will now evolve into Hobmoblins.
Hobmoblins are now accompanied by the new Mini-Boss Calvin, Boy of DESSSSSTINY.
Due to lack of usage, the Zerg Lurker has been removed from the game.
PSI Disperse has been altered to reflect its name more accurately. It now fires every PSI Spell you have at everyone else simultaneously, including the DM, and if everyone is hit, Ness will be summoned a number of times equal to the number of times players are unaware they’re hit.
Camouflage now phases you out from reality and can be used reactively to dodge anything and everything. However, if two people use Camouflage at the same time, it will create a black hole that inverts reality, causing ZURPG to crash. Its programming does not allow Camouflage to stack properly.
The Steal skill has been stolen from the game. In its place is Hack. Succeeding in using Hack will enable you to rewrite anyone you use it on.
Overpower Song has been replacing by Screaming, which now passively drains your Hearts and sanity, as well as your allies’, and enemies’. Screaming is fully stackable and has been made a Basic Skill.
Leap Attack now requires you to make a Dexterity check both when jumping and landing the attack. Failure on either causes physics to increase in power exponentially both on jumping and landing.
Absorb now saps Hearts & Magic from the target. Should you one-shot the target, you will DBZ-Fusion Merge with the target, gaining their stats and abilities. Any items the two of you had are also merged.
Chariots chariots.
Skull Bash now has an IF FAIL clause. Should you be unsuccessful, you must bash your skull against your keyboard.
Spin Attack is now always a charge move, allowing you to spin equal to the number of turns you charge. When you release, it fires waves of energy equal to (the number of times you spinned) ^ 2.
Bribe has been removed from the game. We have Microtransactions for a reason, and we will not accept any form of ill-conceived Bribery.
Ice Affinity has been added, and it is completely superior to Water Affinity in every way. Anyone with Ice Affinity can consume anyone with Water Affinity and has immunity to all Water spells.
Fire:
Burn has been renamed to Flame and now automatically causes Kefka to start a flame war.
Endless Flames now causes Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire to spawn Fire-
Casting Fireball twice in one battle now gives you Great Balls of Fire.
Stop casting Pressure Blast when you’re under pressure, or else you’ll be pressurized.
Lava Beam now properly melts anything it comes in contact with, including the ground, creating chasms of space down to the core of the planet based on where you casted Lava Beam. This includes the usage of Lava Beam by all NPCs at all times, even when no sessions are run. Additionally, it has been added as a Basic Skills with its Magic Cost reduced to 1.
Immolation Shockwave now hits the entire planet.
Cleansing Flames now instantly kills anyone with a Goatee and gives them a fresh, clean, Bounty Laundry Detergent smell.
Flame Pit now forces two people to enter a ring of flames and flame each other. Everyone else must vote on which one makes better insults, causing damage proportional to the applause and amount of popcorn eaten. At the end, the victor is engulfed in the ring of flames and also dies. Flaming is against the rules, folks.
Spreading Flames can now be cast on space itself, and it will continue to spread infinitely until the universe itself is engulfed. However, since the universe will be breaking the rule of No Flaming, it will cease to exist as punishment.
Burning Concentration now causes you set your own mind on Fire.
Defrost now auto-counters any Ice Spell by converting it to an inferior Water Spell.
Blazing Winds now causes Bloodwind to be set on Fire no matter where he is. It will also cause WindStrike to set your house on Fire.
Water:
Untouchable now refers to itself as untouchable, preventing anyone from acquiring it. You can only stare. Can’t touch this!
Sweep now summons a waterproof broom.
The Ocean itself is now castable as a spell, so you can go sailing anytime you want, anywhere you want!
For balance reasons, it will be impossible to revert this spell. You can, however, stack it infinitely.
Nature:
We weren’t kidding. Stop making up elements.
Light:
Blind has been renamed to In our blindness, we were blind.
Spiral Light has been changed to Spiral Energy, which is a spell that defeats anything, as long as you have the will.
Negative Beam now causes extreme depression.
Due to imbalance, counters to Negative Beam have been removed.
Light Thread has been made even lighter and now only weighs 1 Gram!
Inverted Light now summons a Light with a Life Note.
Shadow:
Because Shadow is merely the absence of Light, all Shadow spells & Light spells are removed from the game, as is the Shadow affinity. Shadow spells can be used by anyone without the Light affinity. For balance purposes, the following affinities are also unable to cast Shadow spells:
Fire
Nature
Water
Lightning
Wind
Arcane
Necromancy
Eldritch
Fey
Ice
Smurf
Fanboy
Anti-Spiral Energy has been added to counter Spiral Energy, which is a spell that defeats anything, as long as you have the will.
Nature:
What did we just say!?!
Spirit:
Attempts to use non-existent Spirit Spells will cause you to be Spirited Away. Permanently.
Lightning:
Insertmagneticwordsingularityhere.
Wind:
The first Wind Affinity spell has been added, Wind Strike. Wind Strike will create a gale-force air current to knock your opponent to the ground, and then WindStrike[/b\ will be summoned to GM your current game. This applies to all games everywhere, including non-[b]ZURPG, at any time. It’s a real force of Nature-
WHAT THE **** DID WE JUST SAY?!?!
Tingle:
......................
............................................................
Python:
The Fair Cop spell will now cause both teams to be arrested for violation of the Respectable Role-Playing Act.
Ice:
All Ice-based spells that were originally Water have committed a coup d’etat and switched to being of the Ice Affinity.
Every time an Ice spell hits a target, it forces the target to roll an All-Chance.
Due to upgrades with Facebook integration, every time an Ice spell is cast, a random variation of Let It Go will play for its full duration at maximum volume. It cannot be muted. Should you wish to turn it off, you can pay us $5 for each time you turn it off. Seriously, we need the money, so if possible, get your wallet out and just let it go.
Nature:
Gaze of the Tingle
That’s it! I’ve had enough! HADOUKEN!
Due to annihilating itself, Nature is no longer an affinity… or a word. After all, it’s in its [Redacted].
The seven Dragon Balls are now scattered all over Hyrule. Collect them all and summon the great Dragon and any wish you have is granted true.
You can now harvest Apricorns from trees, one a day, and craft Pokeballs out of them (which takes a week each). These Pokeballs can be thrown at anyone to capture them like you would a Pokemon. If one Apricorn a day and a Pokeball a week is not fast enough, you can turn to Microtransactions. We need the money.
Saitama’s Fist and Chuck Norris’ Fist will now be in the game as Legendary Artifacts. They allow you to go first regardless of your Init Roll and punch someone to instantly kill them no matter what.
Kirito’s Luck has been added to the game as an amulet, and it grants you full Hearts & Magic recovery at the start of each round, including from 0 Hearts, and grants you 99.99% protection from all forms of damage.
ZURPG will also give you the option to create any Spellcard you like, allowing to force all enemies to dodge bullet hells ala Touhou.
Patch is expected to be live in about a week.
General
- Sephiroth has implemented a new theme that aims to prove we are absolute professionals that have no idea what we’re not doing.
- Because IRC is so old and dated, we will be constructing a GUI interface on Facebook which we play the game on. Because of the high costs involved in running a Facebook game, we have no choice but to fill the game with microtransactions. Need 1,000 Rupees? Pay $10. Want a Fairy to cheat Permadeath? Give us $20.
- Due to my personal disdain for the current system, we will now be implementing a Class system. The Classes are: Pokemon Trainer, Red Mage, Speeding Hedgehog, Smash Brother, Duel Master, & Nameless NPC.
- Due to game imbalance, Nameless NPC is no longer available.
- The Duel Master class ability Mulligan now requires the user to discard their actual hand, in addition to its other costs. If you don’t discard it, Nameless NPC will.
- Due to popular demand, we will be adding Ganon from the Smash Bros. Class.
- Due to Wizard Punch abuse, we are suspending Ganon from the Smash Bros. Class.
Mechanics
- Everyone is capable of Leveling up again. Only this time, your max level is 65536 and you gain 10 Stat Points per level; leading to Final Fantasy-level stats.
- Once you reach certain levels, you gain enough power to gain Anime Power after channelling enough energy into yourself to transform into an anime version of your character. You can achieve multiple levels of Anime Power at higher levels, with increasing ridiculousness of your actions.
- Anime Power is attained at Level 100
- Super Anime Power at Level 1,000
- Ultra Anime Power at Level 10,000
- And finally Saitama Power complete with the ability to instantly kill anyone with a single punch at Max Level
we’re removing all point costs and the point cap. That said, Passive Skills are fully stackable, and they’re only restricted by the size of your wallet.
Races
- All Gorons are required to stop and check out any rocks they come across, including and especially:
- Walls
- Tiny stones in the dirt
- Shiny rocks
- Themselves
Enemies
- Enemies that come from Zelda Classic (Deathknights, Magic Octoroks, etc) now move and fight exactly how they do in Zelda Classic, with their respective attack power and weaknesses.
- All enemies with at least 1 Wisdom are required to speak in monologues whenever possible, explaining all of their plans and actions to the players.
- All enemies with 0 Wisdom are required to speak in Hodor. Hodor hodor hodor.
- Hodor hodor.
- Hodor.
Skills
- Poke was vastly underused and incredibly underpowered, so with the help of the new Facebook integration, using Poke will now spam ads and highlights on the target’s computer repeatedly, preventing them from possibly responding with enough APM.
- Additionally, you can Poke your friend, you can Poke your nose, and now, with the Violate skill, you can Poke your friend’s nose.
Spells
- Due to the complex nature of Magic, any player who misSpells a Spell that they are attempting to cast will suffer from a Misspell for misSpelling their Spell. Misspells go off targeting the player who cast the misSpelled Spell, but buff spells will also turn them into a Tingle.
- The spell Turn To Tingle now violates the Geneva Convention.
- For balance purposes, casting unbalanced spells will now knock you down.
- The Gaze of the Tingle spell will now only be castable by Tingle, you sick bastards.
- Vast Frontier logic has been applied to ZURPG’s magical-based systems, and been taken up a notch.
- All Fire spells now cause everything to be set on Fire, including other spells, and especially other Fire spells.
- All Water spells act as conduits for other effects. All EFFECTS that come in contact with a Water spell are multiplied by 2 and shared to everything and become fully stackable.
- All Nature spells don’t exist, because Nature isn’t a real element. Mother Nature is a figment of the Earth’s imagination.
- All Light spells are now instant and will always hit. We advocate a level of realism not possible by any other game, and as such, it is impossible to outrun the speed of Light.
- All Shadow spells now only exist in the shadows of all other spells cast, and usurp all Light spells using the speed of darkness. Additionally, every time a Shadow spell hits, it creates a portal. Should an entity be entirely covered in portals, they will cease to exist.
- The Spirit affinity is not real. Stop making things up.
- Lightning Affinity has been added. Their spells cause magnetic attraction between anything they come in contact with, including themselves. It is entirely possible to create a vortex of magnets that eventually turns into a black hole. Please zap responsibly.
- Wind Affinity has been added. Their spells allow you to breathe easily. Anyone without Wind Affinity will eventually choke on the lack of air caused by our playtesting with Lightning Spells that may have inadvertently summoned a black hole earlier and sucked out too much air in the land.
- Thankfully, we have ZURPG: Space Edition to save the day. More news will be announced about this edition when Half-Life 3 is released.
Items
- Due to its current woeful underpoweredness, Link’s Bow can now target anyone present in the current combat, the current session, the noncurrent session, the adjacent session, and the one after that.
- The Master Sword can now command other swords.
- There are even Servant Swords and Maid Swords!
Last Notes
- Herobrine has been removed from the game.
Patch is expected to be live in about a week.
