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+--- Thread: I Don't Know Anymore (/thread-819.html)
I Don't Know Anymore - Forgotten Third Eye - 08-01-2015
So, where do I start?
I don't know about this, guys. I don't know if I should keep being a part of the community (and ZURPG) anymore. You see, it is rather difficult for me to express my feelings and what I want to say. This comes naturally due to the fact I have a partial hearing loss and sensitive hearing. Since that time when I was really young, I could only really communicate with visuals, like pictures and action. I've been trying to fit in with many people, but I just cannot do it. My writing is not good, and I tend to interpret many written things as literal as they can get. I am not good with idioms and sayings, you see. I've had a troubled past, trying to stray away from many people because I may cause problems for them. This had lead me to be more and more introverted as time goes on. I want to be part of a community, but I just can't see myself doing that, not in this state.
The thing is, I usually cannot express my thoughts and feelings into words. I tend to keep most of them to myself, to prevent chaos and hatred. As much as I want to help and bring forth ideas for ZURPG and the community, I just can't do it in words. My hearing loss and sensitivity has caused me to learn from visuals and action more than just words. I can do good when there is a lot of details put into words, but if there is very few detail, I cannot do as well. This is a big problem because ZURPG is meant to keep things simple and understanding for most people, but it doesn't work that way for everyone. Just because something is simple doesn't mean it is easy or understanding. It is also difficult for me to try to translate images into a few amount of words without losing the original intention and meaning. I just can't.
I could try to translate into understandable concepts for people, but the problem lies in that not everyone thinks the same. The only way I could translate is if I can understand the way someone thinks, but I cannot think like that person because I simply am not that person. My thought process is very different from most people in the world. I tend to think logically and straightforward, and only logically and straightforward, as that is only what I can do. If something doesn't make a bit of sense, or it is lacking in high detail, or even if there is uncertainty, I just can't strive to do it. If you were to present me something to do and it doesn't have a very clear instruction, I wouldn't be able to do it. It's like, say, a computer being given unfinished instructions. If you were to just say "What do you think of x?" or ask a question that can have many different answers, I wouldn't be able to express it. I also do not know how someone wants me to do something. This is a problem because I wouldn't even be able to finish my task. To people that give me vague tasks, even if it has a good amount of detail of what they want, I cannot just do what your expectations are, as I do not know what you want me to do.
This isn't to say that I am incapable of doing things like math and science. I am very capable of doing mathematics and science as long as I understand how it is done. The same can't be said for things that have no "definite" answer. It is like in writing and reading, there is no yes or no question to what you think as long as you can explain it well. If I can get to a straight conclusion, I can do it. I simply cannot do something where there is no right or wrong. Think of it like telling me to create an item or think of a quest that would fit your needs. There is no real right or wrong answer (unless it just sounds really stupid), because I could invent just about anything, but since I do not know what you want, I can't simply just do it and be done with it. I have to understand exactly what it is that you want me to do and I will be able to do it. Like a computer, I need a very clear language setup in order to be able to do what you want me to do.
Then comes to the way I think. As I said earlier, I tend to think more logically and straightforward then anything else. I can do crazy things like sequences that bounce back and forth from one area to another. It is like saying I can do something like "Push the big, black triangle last, and the small, white circle first, but before pushing the small circle, push the medium, red square. Before the big, black triangle, select the blue ribbon, but before that, pick the apple after you push the red square. The yellow oval is to be chosen before the triangle and after the ribbon, which is after the circle." For most people, they would get very lost and confused, whereas I would likely to do as told perfectly (or mostly good, in some cases). This is why I generally like puzzles, and why I like to mess with people. However, if there is an abrupt stop, I would be very confused as to what to do. If it is something like "the powers of x" followed by some details on how it works, I would understand it, but if it just ends without any detail, it would just be some unanswered question, like "Okay, how?" and causing confusion. Not everyone thinks like this, and not everyone is some kind of person that can read pictures better than words.
If it is my own kind of thing, I would (and can) be able to do it.
However, it isn't always right.
This brings back to my past. You see, I was more active and talkative than I am now. But that activity just caused more problems than needed. I do not exactly remember how my past went, as I do not want to think about it, but there were some pretty stupid things I have done, despite my intelligence. I've lost some friends, made some people angry, and some other stuff I don't want to talk about. I've also seen others do mean things, and I just do not want to be a part of society anymore at that point. The world is a horrible place, you see, and there is not really anything to get rid of it. Human stupidity (and intelligence at that) is everywhere, everyone has some kind of corruption in them, and people can be hopeless and helpless. This has caused me to stray away from the world and become introverted. I resort to modern technology, such as computers and video games. I have been using them for pretty much my entire life, it is what I have become, what I was born to be, my identity. I try to hide my real, outside world self from others by trying to do some kind of "personality jumping" as I would call it. This causes my to be more than unpredictable, and while it does cause some problems, I do not necessarily regret it because it is just what I am, an empty shell. People would just say "act like yourself" and all that, but the problem is that if I do act like myself, it would just cause more problems than anything else because I simply just don't act in a predictable pattern and whatnot. There are times where I think about one thing, but I don't do it because I do not exactly want to cause further problems, which is why I tend to be more random and "cheerful" to hide my real self. I may not be pleased with something someone else has decided, but I am just "too nice" to lash out my anger and cause more problems.
I am in the verge of depression, not in the traditional sense, but in a sense of loneliness, outlaw, oddball, just air. I try to not think like mad (in a crazy sense), but each day, I just turn more and more empty. It is almost to the point where I feel like I am just a concept, not an individual entity that lives like others, but as a thought. It is like becoming more and more transparent, like an unnoticeable rock. Sooner or later, I may crack and be emptied of all my emotions and consciousness, my own ability to think normally. I want to help others, I want to be a part of a community, I want to make friends and be happy, but I just can't. I can't be helpful, I can't make others happy, I can't express myself, I just can't. I cannot think normally, as my mind is just bouncing all over the place while I do my everyday things. I cannot get help, it's not going to work because I always think like this everyday, and it does not change. It won't change, it can't change, it is what I am, how I was known, my own identity. My world is falling apart, no, everyone's world is falling apart. I cannot change it, it's useless.
I am anything but good at writing and reading. I am no writer, I am a thinker, a visualizer, an action person.
I'm sorry guys, but I don't think I can be a part of this. I may be stepping down, as a player, as a contributor, as an individual. I ask that no drama is to be caused, and that you all can try to make the world a better place. I've had a bright future of what I want to do, but is it really worth it if not everyone is going to be sane and happy?
This may be the last you have seen of me, as an individual. I'm truly sorry for not meeting all of your expectations and desires. Farewell.
RE: I Don't Know Anymore - WindStrike - 08-01-2015
Even if you think you can't do something anymore, just try. If you happen to be around to read things still... whatever issues you have in your life, try this: Turn off the self-critical pessimism, and anytime you start thinking "this won't work", toss the thought out the window and try anyways. You're great at making puzzles and worlds, and I'd hate to see you stop at that. Sometimes, we just need to ask for help, and sometimes, we need to accept help even when it seems like it's past the end of the world (been there before... way too many times).
And if you choose not to return, here's my honest opinion of ya - It was great workin' with ya, even if you went a little off topic. You had some zany ideas, but it was really fun trying to consider and figure out how they'd work. Not to mention the various "screwing with the DM" shenanigans. Anywho, I won't judge your decision; if you choose to leave, well if that's what you need to do in order to "get better", by all means. But should you choose to return, we'll be glad to accommodate ya.
Best of luck, whatever path it is that you choose, sire!
RE: I Don't Know Anymore - Sephiroth - 08-01-2015
Holy wall of text, batman!
Sorry to hear all of this, AbsentThirdEye; ... But I agree with what WindStrike has said. ... Should you ever choose to make a comeback, we'll be here with open arms to welcome you back in to our little community.
Until then, good luck with whatever it is you plan on doing.