10-16-21: Finale - Printable Version

Recaps

Session 01 - To Infinity and Beyond

Sephiorth, having received a new quest to determine what kind of Sage you’ll become, you rejoined Melizea to lead the charge into finding Gustaf! Though after running into a Beamos Gohma hybrid with so much armor that even your Death Leap couldn’t scratch it, you chucked a Dragon Bomb into its inventory, and then aggro’d it with a Super Poke and ran towards the lower entrance to the Hyrule Castle Keep.

You emerged into a vast lava cavern - a byproduct of Ganondorf’s takeover. Leaving the Beamos Gohma to Melizea, you skipped past an annoying black-scaled Lizalfos by distracting him with a duck, and you reached the stairwell! You got partway up when you stepped on a Spidermech, prompting your old friend Monroe to barrel roll out of it.

On your way back down, you nearly dive-kicked Melizea in the face, then took a tour inside the Spidermech. However, Melizea started doing something potentially catastrophic, so you yeeted on out of there with a Death Leap up the stairwell. Courtesies of Mario 64 stair physics, you ended up flying to the moon, where your attempt at entering was rejected, so you gave it a Super Poke and descended back down to Hyrule Castle Keep.

Melizea, on your way to find Lord Gustaf, you reunited with Sephiroth, and then you encountered a hybrid Beamos Gohma. You suffered from its laser sweep and found it too difficult to properly harm. After Sephiroth aggro’d it, you came up with a different plan to take it down.

Upon reaching the lava cavern beneath Hyrule Castle Keep, you got Gustaf to hold it in place with some Gohma Pincers, and with the other guards trying to push it off the cliff, it revealed a soft underside. You took aim with a Bomb Arrow and launched it into its mouth, aka its inventory, where the Dragon Bomb was. The ensuing explosion finished knocking it off the cliff, where it melted into the lava below.

Afterwards, you tried to get to the stairway, but an annoying black-scaled Lizalfos was in the way. No longer distracted by a duck, he tried throwing you off with a bombchu, but you sniped it out and lept past him, leaving Gustaf and the others to take him out.

On your way up the staircase, you avoided getting kicked in the head by Sephiroth, and you found Monroe and his spidermech, joining him for a tour inside it. And of course, the first thing you took a look at was what interactibles you had access to with your Debug Console. Oh, what’s this? It has an active Dexcore powering it? That sounds pretty powerful on its own. But why stop there?

You decided to just roll your old Lightning Orb right into it. Because that’s what smart people do.

Session 02 - Monkeying Around

The siege of the Twilight Palace in the Sky continues! Hal, you team up with Nabooru & Midna and take to the battlements, freeing some allies from the Interloper goop and hijacking a Black Light Cannon. You come up with a brilliant plan to crash WindStrike.exe, overdriving the cannon with Plasma Goop, and combined with Midna’s shadow portals, you bypass Dark Blue’s Negation Scepter shield and fat-fry his mysterious ritual at the Sol Fountain!

However, he then appears on the battlements with the revelation that he has hair, albeit now charred and crispy. He tries to copy your inventory, but upon copying Thoughter’s Mask, which is infused with madness, it locks him out of his copy+pasta ability! His desperate Mind Attack fails (thanks to a cross-battle RP from Corsava’s Twilight Scope), and Hal, you blast him away with an Unleash!

Meanwhile for Corsava, beeg dark monkey Faron is chasing you through the skies, trying to take you down with the aerial forces. It evens manages to hijack a Goron & Zora, but even with three suped up attacks on you, your abuse of the game’s mechanics wards them all off, and you return the favor with an aerial nuke, freeing some allies from the goop and warding Faron off from even wanting to fight you.

You then spot a Dark Blue trying to flee Part 1 of the final battle against Dark Blue. Loading the Four Sword into your Broken Bow, you try to finish him early, but Dark Faron gets teleported over and blocks the hit, allowing Dark Blue to escape. On the plus side, you free Faron from the darkness! And you start to recall memories of your “mirror self”. However, at that moment, an ominous Death Fairy appears! You and Faron take flight away from it, only to get herded into a Loading Screen.

Back over to Hal, you and Midna investigated a floating void above the fat-fried Fountain, something your Spirit Vision can’t even see through. You tried to Shadow Portal there, but in the end, you had to sacrifice that to trap Midna’s Twilight Fairy as it transformed into a Death Fairy. So you ennacted Plan B - down a Potion of Strong Invisibility, Shadow Hop straight in there, and blast the Majora’s Melody - The Song of Healing at whatever is in there.

It worked! You jumped in and disabled several dozen Death Fairies! Unfortunately, you didn’t even phase the main one. At once, the Great Dark Fairy reveals herself in her full form. Glowing violet eyes, glittering wings, a black dress than light has no effect on… and she’s wielding the Great Fairy Sword, a Sacred Artifact. Have fun.

Session 03 - The Glitching Begins

Sephiroth, you go full Kool-Aid Man and break into the Throne Room of Hyrule Castle Keep, blasting Kool-Aid Man.mp3 at full volume into three Chaos Boars. Your entrance stuns them, saving a dozen Hylian Guards and your other character, Gurloz, who’s been taken over by Counterstrike soundclips. You follow with a Void Fling, splatter-killing one of the boars through every floor of Hyrule Castle, while the rest of the guards tackle the other two.

Next up, you dealt with a swarm of Bokoblins with a Bomb Launcher. With your -6 Attack Dice aura in play though, your forces stayed upright while you did a standing extend-a-Masamune counterattack. Gurloz, meanwhile, busted out an AK-47, and with DM double-checking the damage per bullet and ammo clip, he gunned down the last Chaos Boar out of existence.

To top it off, Gurloz also downed one of his Crack Potions, granting a big stat boost, but randomizing the targets of all his actions. In attempting to cast a charge move, he ended up casting it onto your blade as you ascended into the sky. You returned with a Death Leap of Crippling Retribution, and combined with a volley of Charged Wand Blasts from your Hylian allies, you completely decimated the Bokoblin swarm!

Just then, fate swept you off feet and sent you hurtling through spacetime. The cause was unknown, but you have a hunch it’s Melizea’s fault. Several cuils of warp travel later, you arrived in Hyrule Castle’s kitchen and immediately ruined a hamburger. You clashed with an Iron Knight, expertly dodging its attacks and retaliating with both sword and chef skills, terrifying the elite warrior and literally severing the kitchen in half. You then warped away only to be RNG’d into the nearby courtyard, witnessing the kitchen collapse onto the Iron Knight.

Via a mad man’s Song of Storms, DM came up with an excuse to warp you out of there to another randomized location. You landed in the King’s Quarters, which was filled with Grand Theft Temptation covered by lots of dust. You decided not to commit larceny, instead sneezing it off and leaving a cleaning bill. Beneath that dust laid an extravagant talking lute, which turns out to be the King of Hyrule… sealed in a lute. You strummed his strings and brought forth a beautiful Ballad of the Windfish, bringing peace to the war outside, and restoring the voice of Medlora, who’s been using Reverse Cover on you this entire time.

But the peace would not last long, for an Overpower Song would silence your ballad. Through the doors and across the hall, the Mask Man arrived in Kefka’s ambulance, driving up the stairwell and blasting the organs of Dancing Mad through its loudspeaker. It’s time to take down the leader of this invasion, once and for all!

Sephiroth Kool-Aided his way into a Counterstriked Castle Throne Battlefield, as crack ensues. Once a combination assault with another Gurloz and some Knights was enacted, fate decided that glitchy warp time was in order, and sent the Silver-Wonder over to the kitchen for hamburgers.

Unfortunately, a completely different and very tall Iron Knight didn't like that, and the two dueled it out, only for Sephiroth to literally curbstomp not only the Knight, but also the Kitchen... while inside the Kitchen. Duty calls, and our lovely Hamburger Warrior teleported out into the courtyard, witnessing the collateral damage collapsing upon itself.

At once, some madman pooled out rain, and Master DM decided it was a good time to zip Silver-Hair elsewhere... into the King's Quarters! Sephiroth cleans the room, obtains the King of Red Lutes (what.), and plays a nice tune to relax the soul, which prompts Hitchhiking Medlora to return to normalcy.

Not long after, a certain Mad Man blasted out some crazy song, while in an ambulance!

Session 04 - Warp Factor Infinity

After empowering the Spidermech’s Dexcore with a Lightning Core, DM used his executive powers to temporarily disable your Debug Console while your actions proceeded to wreck the space-time continuum. In the process, Medlora got split into two timelines, existing in both Sephiroth’s session and your session at the same time. All seems calm, until Monroe presses the lever forward. Several QPUs and shattering dimensions later, you run face to face with the DM, and the player behind the character of Sephiroth tries to pour Crack Potion onto your face. You dodge it, leaving the potion for another unfortunate victim.

DM flicks you back into the proper time and place, though instead of being a tiny spider on the wall, your Spidermech returns to its full size and inflicts structural damage on Hyrule Castle Keep. A pesky Aquamentus and some Beamos try to blast your vehicle, as it turns out, your Spidermech possesses a Lava Cannon, which, at full size, can ruin someone’s day. With your Drive Blade, you load a Cross Flash into its cartridge and stack a Rev Up, then combo with Monroe, throwing your Drive Blade with his Greed King’s Frost Blade, oneshotting the Aquamentus. Follow that with a hallway-ending Lava Cannon, and congratulations, you made “the floor is lava” a reality!

Before the exploding Beamos could blast back, the Dexcore spontaneously activates, pulling you into its wake and warping you elsewhere! Your Spidermech returns to tiny mode, and you find yourselves in the armory, which is about to be robbed by Bokoblins. You and Monroe hop out back into normal space, slamming a Black Bokoblin into a wall of blades jutting out. You consider continuing the fight, but the Dexcore revs back up, threatening to zip out of there without you. A sneaking Wizzrobe tries to throw you off-guard, but with your reroll shenanigans, you curve your Clawshot to pull Monroe out of the way and back into your warping vehicle!

This time, you appear in the Hyrule Castle Keep’s Basement, where your army of Hylian Guards & Kokiri have caught up and are duking it out against Darknuts & Wizzrobes. Speaking of which, that same Wizzrobe ended up hitchhiking on your warp speed journey. It manages a siphoning strike on you, dealing serious damage and siphoning a bunch of magic. Monroe tries to catch it, but it phases out. Thinking it’s invulnerable, it tries to go for the Dexcore, but you manage to just barely overpower its Wisdom stat with a Spiritual Combustion, knocking it out of its phased state. You then share some popcorn with Medlora as you observe 8 Lizalfos shanking the stowaway Wizzrobe.

At last, your Debug Console returns to operation, and Memphis is freed from her eternal timelooping/freezing imprisonment. However, in an attempt to restore the Dexcore to operation, you fire a Split Shot at it, and seeing as it needs a power source, it reverses Memphis’ timeloop and using that to pay for the magic cost. This triggers a mega-warp that re-frees Memphis from captivity and hurls you all into the Sacred Realm.

A certain spiritual Royal Guard greets you with great surprise, first questioning the Spidermech, whatever is powering it, Medlora’s split existences, her ZURPG’s Almanac of Plot Convenience, and of course, who you are Melizea. You reveal you’re from the distant land of Geulia, and you’re here because of a prophecy. You seek to unite and restore the land, so that you may return to your homeland in peace, without having to worry about impending threats from across the world. He peruses your memories and deems you worthy of becoming a New Sage. As for Sage, that remains to be seen…

On the side, Medlora uses this chance to depart the Sacred Realm and return to her people. She gives you the Bucket of Endless Popcorn and you part ways. With your new Mystery Medallion in hand, you strap yourself into the Spidermech, and you await your next adventures!

Session 04.666 - Sephiroth's Birthday

Melizea, you warped out of the Sacred Realm only to warp back into it, but split among multiple realities coexisting within oneself. Sephiroth is also mysteriously here, pulled from his impending conflict from the Mask Man. The spiritual Royal Guard appears, explaining why you’ve been called back. Apparently, someone or something is ripped through spacetime, merging several realities into one space, and if it continues, it’ll turn Hyrule, Termina, and all the lands beyond into a singular pancake… without maple syrup. To stop this culinary disaster, Sephiroth’s Mystery Medallion has been imbued with emergency powers, transforming into the Medallion of Boot, which can transcend vast distances by booting someone out the window.

Of course, you test this out on the DM first, kicking him into a truck, which hightails you all into the remains of Gerudo Fortress. You chat it up with a Dead Robeman (formerly a certain crazed wizard), Melizea_Retro is booted and switched for Melizea, and Sephiroth dunks a Suspicious Powder Keg onto the talking robes, erasing it from existence once and for all. You then enter a glare-off against a floating 2D JPEG, white backdrop and all. Sephiroth pockets the JPEG and then boots the DM out the window once more, but this time… with a brand new kick line!

One boot drive and thumb drive later, you’re kicked back into white space, but this time with a Truck-kun! Sephiroth brushes off both his FF7 and real world driving skills and pilots the truck out of white space, landing on a road composed of Darte corpses. Truck-kun sends its roadkill to distant fantasy worlds, only to be killed off and recycled over and over. Melizea meanwhile rides the top of the truck and with another boot to the head, begins existing as two versions of herself at the same time!

Not content wiping out infinite Dartes, you head for his homeworld - the Moon. You land with great skill, avoiding turning the DM into roadkill while Melizea & Melizea_Retro discover a massive discrepancy in ZURPG’s Timeline. Opening the truck up revealed another pair of Melizea Twins. You all then combined your flames into burning the combined Dartes off your truck’s wheels. Following that, a Melizea: Civil War begins and a new power begins to spark within Sephiroth.

Right when you’re convinced all is derailed, Generic Hooded Figure #86405 appears with the plot! It begins cloning and switching places indiscriminately with all the Melizeas! But Sephiroth intervenes with a boot to the real Melizea (or one of them), and incidentally, onto a pair of scissors, which so happens to be a “twin set of blades”. All the Melizeas are returned back into one Melizea, and Generic Hooded Figure turns out to be… none other than squinty-eyed Pancake Brock! Le-gasp! He’s then swallowed whole into the hole of a donut, never to be thought of again.

Melizea then gets the bright idea to stash a croissant of all things, but she’s interrupted by a swiper! The two of you outswipe the swiper in an epic reroll turned rolloff turned victory, revealing the swiper to be an old friend ^_^. At last, Shady returns from his long hiatus, but he immediately tries to hightail it out of there by hijacking the truck! But Melizea ruins his day (and the DM’s) by opening up her Debug Console. You discover the truck is containing the entire supply of Canada’s Maple Syrup, and you swipe a few bottles.

Afterwards, you try to haul Shady back out of eternal hiatus and into an improbable third occupant spot. However, the maneuver requires an impossible amount of energy. So you generate it by kicking DM out the window again, kicking the truck into Bootdrive, and simultaneously collapsing and enabling infinity. Pure crack literally happens as Gurloz appears and enters a glare-off with Navi. Just when all seemed lost within an infinite causality of infinite possibilities, Sephiroth changed gears… and kicked himself out the window.

Enlightenment occurs, and you send DM out the window twice. First into a Touhou reference he refused to do, and secondly into an oncoming semi… driven by you guys. As a result, you isekai DM, nearly triggering an infinite loop, but DM uses the classic proxy known as Darte is Dead Again, and you witness the multiverse simultaneously cease to exist and restore to normalcy as you’re returned to the Sacred Realm. Melizea finally returns to being Melizea, and Sephiroth is rewarded with the Hades Materia. He even gets to keep the Boot Medallion!

You then celebrate by catching up with your ol pal Shady, who reveals he’s been stuck in Lazy Writing Purgatory, and you finish the session off with some cake… and a sneak peek at next session. Join us next time on:

Shady and the Multiverse of Madness!

Session 05 - YOU HAVE UNO

Kirran & Darte, you bid time travel adieu and return to the master in a glitched out Sacred Meadow. You chat it out with the Master Sword (just one of them, not two), revealing Darte’s Fierce Deity powers have the ability to fight Link, though given his death count, you remain hesitant. You return to Memory Mirrorland, debating where to go next, when Link appears once more, taking chase! So you decide to lead him down his personal nightmare - the Water Temple.

Darte is about to lead the way with his Zora Knowledge, but a certain Crack Potion from an old friend gets in the way. Instead, Kirran & DM get the same idea at the same time and lead you to the waterfall room with the floating platforms. Darte marries the waterfall through a fall loop while Kirran platforms across the normal way. You have another incursion with Link, resulting in a brief party split and allowing Darte to bond with our old Hero of Time. Somehow, on holding hands, Darte’s armor pulses with Fierce Deity powers. Odd.

Upon rejoining in the Foggy Mirror Room, Kirran has recreated the Spiderman Pointing Meme with his dark clone while yelling about Uno. It continues to compound when joined by the other two. The confusion gets to Link’s head, as he starts opening and closing his inventory screen repeatedly. You try to get through to him, and you actually convince him to stop chasing the Master Sword! And after Raine drinks the Crack Potion out of Darte’s brain (allowing him to speak words again), your fish friend makes the mistake of asking what happened on the moon!

As it turns out, Link defeated Majora’s Mask alright… but he had a bit of help. From a certain mask. You try to stop him from accessing his inventory, but Navi herself intervenes, blocking your attempt. Link successfully dons the mask and transforms… into Fierce Deity Link, complete with all four of the deity’s artifacts. Not only that, but all the Dark Clones in the room appear to be under his control.

In a last ditch effort, you flip a 10-sided coin, only to make the situation worse. Attack of the Clones begins, immediately trying to increase Darte’s death count. Kirran meanwhile auto-dodges an attack and charges a Dark Epiphany, causing the Dark Link to U-turn and clash blades with Fierce Deity Link. Raine suggests eating Navi, prompting the Great Fairy to ditch your inventory and support Darte (by first killing and reviving him). Kirran, you decide not to trigger the 9th Cuil. Instead, Raine cranks your Dark Epiphany up to 11 and clone-spams everyone in the room until the game crashes.

Welcome to the Matrix.

Zelda Universe RPG